Apparently there is no point going on the internet to find a potential partner, if you are a woman in her 40s – so says a newspaper article I found during a casual internet browse.
I won’t disclose the wording I typed in my search box, but it included the words “is there any point…” And the computer said “no”.
The writer had interviewed a range of women over 40, some divorced, some widowed, some who had never had long-term relationships, some who had. But all had tried online dating, as it was probably the best option when the number of fish in the sea are depleted or damaged and they have been saddled with full custody of the kids/ailing parents.
And what is the problem? Why aren’t these attractive, experienced and interesting women not getting anywhere? Because, we are led to believe, men of the same age are all looking for younger women. They don’t want the crow’s feet, mummy-tummy, comes-with-kids-and-elderly-parents package. They want nubile, bouncy young things with pert boobs and bums, who still have an optimistic, non-cynical approach to life and are not weighed down with personal baggage.
One woman said something like: “The only way forward is to go for someone older. But I don’t want to meet someone in their 60s, I want a man my own age.”
So, men, here’s your right to reply. Is this true? Do men in their 30s and 40s just want fresh meat?
At least one of the women interviewed said she was so disheartened by the whole thing that she had given up entirely on ever finding that special someone.
I am not saying this article was completely accurate, but a recent foray into online dating suggests that it wasn’t far from the mark. In my mind I divided the profiles offered to me as matches into three categories – the hotties (probably totally out of my league), the oks (not Brad Pitt, but had nice smiles/eyes/hair and something good in their testimonials, e.g. they could spell) and the no-ways.
Not one hotty approached me, but I wasn’t surprised by this, as I am fully aware that I am probably a six out of ten. But what was more disheartening was that very few oks bothered either. I seemed, instead, to be inundated with ‘likes’ and messages from the no-ways, the majority of which appeared to have knocked at least ten years off the age they actually were. Just about all of them claimed to be at the top end of my specified age range, but I would wager, from the white beards and turtle neck jumpers, that at least a quarter of them were a few years older.
I am not one to discriminate on age (although I can see why one would think so from the tone of this post) but I do value having some common ground with a guy – whether its enjoying the same music, having watched the same children’s TV programmes, being able to go on a bike ride together etc. There may be men of 60 who have boundless energy, but how much would we really have to talk about? And what would the sex be like? I have supported senior sex in earlier posts so maybe I should keep an open mind, but I’m sorry older guys – I want a chance at hooking up with someone closer to my own age.
But here’s the hypocrisy – and I am certain other ladies are guilty of the same thought: If I was offered the chance of a short-term fling with a 25-year-old fella, I would struggle to turn it down. But I do say fling – I cannot envisage a long-term relationship with someone so young. I would expect him to get bored and make off with a bouncy young thing at the earliest opportunity. Yes, there are relationship s like this that work, but they are in a minority.
So, should we all just give up if we end up single in middle age and throw our energies into career, kids, craft and cats – and try to find alternative fulfilment? Do men always have the lion’s share of the dating world? I want someone to come up with a counter-argument that dispels this theory.
Hi DSM,
Just a quick note (which I don’t expect you to publish).
To say that despite being silent for ages, I have continued to enjoy reading your posts. Many have exercised my grey matter, and often it is simply that I have been left searching myself for an opinion that has stopped me from leaving a comment. So, thank you and please keep up the great work of wisdom and wonder.
That reading between the lines of this last post, I assume that your embryonic relationship did not work out? In which case I am sorry to hear.
And no I am not posturing as a substitute candidate (too old).
Yes the world of online dating is full of liars, hardly a surprise, we are all trying to better our selves and put our best foot forward, (women too). And to be honest, after our mid thirties, a power shift begins, where women often have more testosterone than men of the same age. They are more decisive and more opinionated. We men can be a little daunted, and as cowards, the appeal of “younger model” is not just the pertness of the flesh.
Personally I have not taken that view, I see it as a false economy, the old saying “you are as young as the the woman you feel” belies the truth of having to hold you chest in and knowing that the 2nd Mrs will soon be of the age and attitude that one had been trying to avoid.
My advice is to flirt online for your ego but nothing more. Instead I firmly suggest hunting in the real world instead of the virtual. By your age most of the men that have not been in a significant relationship will remain that way. The one’s that are newly separated usually want to better themselves, you in my opinion, should look to gym, yoga, art or other adult education class, and there you are bound to find a newly freed man intent on rebuilding his life. Otherwise I am informed, the local supermarket is a pretty good hunting ground.
Do we all want fresh meat ?…. well I guess I should be saying do “they ” all want fresh meat ? as , sadly my 30’s and 40’s are long gone.
I guess an honest answer would be – probably , but it also depends on what they want to do with the meat ; and of course it all depends if fresh meat is available. If it is available for a long term relationship ( which is what it sounds like you are looking for ) it means that some of your sisters are not quite so fussy in looking for someone their own age.
Or maybe , more likely, your younger competition is really after some short term fun ; and it strikes me that your younger sisters success is due to the very fact that they are not looking long term and are therefore more appealing. Maybe also you are not only dismissing the much older guys too soon but also the much younger ones as well. I seem to remember being in my 20’s and having the hots for a stunner in her 40’s , alas without success. Unlike a female friend of mine who is 42 and being shagged senseless by a 21 year old.
It strikes me that your problem is the common one of ” wanting a man” instead of wanting a life. ( I suppose I should say social life ) If men sense needy then sure , unless they are needy themselves, they are going to back off – wouldn’t you ? Why not just look for some fun and open up [ literally might be fun :):):) ] to guys of any age both younger and older – they might in turn have mates who are your own age.
What sort of age difference are we talking here ? 10 – 20 – 30 ????. 30 years would have sounded absurd to me until I experienced it ( briefly ) and was told her usual preferences were 10 -15 although she had tried 25. Factor in on a good day and poor light I can pass for 10 years younger and hey – I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Actually, until then, not only would have 30 sounded absurd but my preferences were also women of my own age. Sadly now I must admit I have the taste , but in reality I like all women so we shall see.
One final point – in life generally , success breeds success and , sadly failure breeds failure. Get a man, either younger or older , for some fun and I suspect soon afterwards you might find someone suitable for what you are really looking for.