Get dry!

It’s the sexual equivalent of try before you buy, tasting the wine without swallowing it, or test driving a car.

But it’s also something largely done by teenagers, people in a rush or those thinking they are doing something naughty but discreet.

Yes, the dry hump has earned itself something of a seedy, adolescent and slightly naff reputation. But I am starting a campaign here and now to reinvent it as something we all celebrate. Yes, the dry hump is a worthy and perfectly acceptable activity for two consenting adults, whether they are 16 or 56. Go dry humping!

I had a recent re-acquaintance with this much-maligned activity, although, sadly at present, the only dry hump I’m likely to encounter is that on a camel at the zoo…
But zoo animal digression aside, the activity was far more enjoyable and hotter than I had remembered it (as a 15-year-old).

So, when to do it? You have just acquired a new gentleman or lady caller, you have kissed in every way possible, done as much clothes-on fondling as you can muster, but don’t want to hop straight into the sack; this one’s a bit special and you want more than a one night stand with them. But it would be interesting to find out what it might be like, without actually doing it.

So, the snogging gets even more urgent and teeth-clashing and suddenly you end up on the floor (in my case after having hastily shoved toy trains and lorries out of the way). He is on top of you and you both at the same time feel the urge to thrust forward your hips and are both extremely aroused. He pins you down on the floor, your hands above your head, kissing your neck, just down to the top of your cleavage and pushes his groin to yours slowly first, then rhythmically, and you feel his solid erection against you. Again this is another dry hump benefit – if you are resisting handling his member just yet, you at least, now, get a rough idea of size and length.

When your hands are free, you can also check out the quality of his butt and roll over, driving him insane with your thrusts and tantalising cleavage shots. In fact this is an opportunity to showcase your moves and give a ‘dress rehearsal’ of what they might expect, if they play their cards right. And if you are both turned on, it can be pretty explosive – and you haven’t even had to remove any clothing in the process – particularly good if you have body hang-ups and only prefer to disrobe in a red wine fuelled cloud of fuzziness.

This is why dry humping is so great and I encourage everyone to give it a go, with partners new or old, second or third dates, on the beach, at a bus stop, or even by the sink while you’re doing the dishes. But, there are some tips you should consider first:

  1. You both need to be in trousers – if one of you is in a skirt, it’s just too tempting to progress to the ‘wet hump’.  And I would strongly recommend jeans or tough fabric – the friction could be all too much for a linen or viscose number and may result in holes, even ignition…
  2. Not a good idea if either of you have a full bladder, unless you have a change of clothes.
  3. If you are really just going to go this far, make sure you both agree this or those damn jeans are just going to be flung off, anyway, and you may as well have not bothered in the first place. Also on this point, know when to stop, before it gets too hot to handle!
  4. It is fun, arousing, sexy and can be a laugh if you don’t take it too seriously.

So, readers, what are you waiting for? Try a dry hump this weekend – surprise your beau. Meanwhile, I will be checking the zoo opening times.

I just won’t do for you

I just won’t do for you
I wish it were not true
And the news came as a shock
A most unwelcome, awful knock
When I thought it was going well
You sounded the final knell.

No proper explanation came
“It didn’t feel right”, the claim
Was it the loose post-baby gut,
Or the rather over-round butt?
Did I loudly slurp my gin?
Or dribble some pizza down my chin?

One thing I know is the fault is mine
For you are so right and fine.
What did I do so very wrong?
When I thought we were going strong?
I had dared to hope, to dream
Of the places we might together team.

I asked “could he be the one?”
When you wanted me gone.
Yes, I will get over this fail.
Another wheel came off the rail.
Maybe I’ll never feel whole,
Find the perfect mate for my soul…

You might just do for me

You might just do for me
I say ‘might’, as we’ll see.
Only time will tell and show
Whether the distance we might go
But there’s something about you
That gives me a rosy hue.

You’re not a film star pin-up,
But I’ll try your essence in my cup,
To taste what you can provide,
To split your shell open wide.
We seem to want the same from life
A lover, friend, but not a wife.

I haven’t stirred in quite a while
Just by seeing someone’s smile
Or a pair of deep blue eyes
The rate of my heart they made rise.
The bar had a busy, noisy drone,
Yet, it felt like we were alone.

I was so awkward and shy
But there was no need to try
For the chemistry was there
The secret formula in the air
We need to meet again, I think,
Prove it was more than just the drink.

So what do you say, lovely guy?
Want to give this thing a try?
Let’s get closer, lose the table
Have some fun, if we’re able.
Let’s have a go, take a chance,
Take some steps in the seduction dance.