Hump the bump

As it’s the time of year to think of new life, eggs and fertility, I thought I’d look at the human equivalent – being ‘up the duff.’

And if you are worried that again I’m straying into mum and baby magazine territory, fear not and don’t navigate yourself away from this space! I’m not called Drunken Slut Mum for nothing.

You can also stop worrying that this is going to be some kind of biology lesson in which I look at little tadpoles travelling their epic journey to meet the giant egg.

So, sex during this strange era and the problems it poses. Every woman is different and every pregnancy is different, but both times for me, I was totally up for it, even though my significant other certainly wasn’t. “It doesn’t feel right – what if it damages the baby?” He wailed. I know this is a common myth, but honestly, guys, is it so long that it is going to reach all the way into my uterus and start jabbing baby ‘Bob’ on the head?

I know many women actually go off sex in pregnancy, but I was very easily aroused in the same way as many report their senses are heightened in this ‘condition’. My first three months, as is usually the case, were hard and I was tired much of the time, but from about five months, I was gagging for it.

I don’t know if it had something to do with feeling at the height of my femininity – I was lucky that my hair went full and glossy, my boobs were voluptuous and my bump had reached the point when it was obviously a bump and not just me after too many cake binges. I saw it as a time when I was a woman doing something that only women can do, for which men’s bodies lack the tools. (At the same time I count my blessings, as I know this isn’t possible for every woman).

But if you are lucky enough to have a willing partner, you have to consider that some positions cannot happen. You are medically advised not to even sleep on your back, never mind get seen to that way round. And to be honest, the bump gets to a point where it would be tricky to manoeuvre Mr John Thomas into that position anyway. So that leaves positions where you are on top or on all fours (apparently Pilates in this position is good preparation for labour, or so I was told).

On top: The downside is it’s rather scary from the man’s perspective as he’s being crushed by a giant beach ball and your head/face will seem like 20 miles away. Also, if you are prone to pregnancy cramp, this could bring it on.

Doggy style: Easier for him to get hold of you, but if you have a heavy bump, gravity will drag it down and you may end up with an achy pelvis.

On top but facing the other way: Probably best to do this in a chair on his lap, otherwise, it’s another cramp risk. This is probably one of the better options if he’s reasonably strong and can take your excess weight. If he’s of a slight build, he may end up doing a silly walk the next day, as his thighs will still be numb.

I won’t even go into other positions, as none are ideal when your centre of gravity has moved down several notches, but it can be interesting experimenting before you begin to feel like a tank. In the latter weeks of gestation, after countless nights of having to hold on to your stomach to roll over in bed, even the most determined sluts are likely to admit defeat.

Then follows what I will euphemistically describe as a ‘difficult time’ which seems to have no end. But as DSM, hopefully I prove that the saddle isn’t out of reach forever.

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