Monthly Archives: April 2015

Bus job

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We were on the bus, sitting at the back. It was late, no one was there, save for an old man near the front, holding a carrier bag on his knee.

But he and I had lost all sense of the outside world, the drink warming and melting our insides, warming and melting most of our inhibitions. We had chatted all evening about our hopes, dreams, places we wanted to see (missing out the places on our bodies). We had laughed, brushed hands, reaching for our glasses, exchanged that special secret, knowing, burning smile and the unspoken, but shared thought.

And now we were on the 30 minute journey home. He knew I would get off first, he knew we only had a few precious moments together. And he knew I had my mum babysitting at home and children asleep upstairs. So, he knew there was no way he could come home with me.

The bus engine hummed and growled its base tone. It was dark outside, so we could only see smeary hand prints on the glass and a reflection of the bus interior and our faces.

He reached out to stroke my cheek, run his fingers through my hair, all the time, his face moving closer to mine. I leaned towards him, making the journey to my lips a little shorter. His perfect soft mouth at first lightly caressed mine, then became more urgent, more aggressive; his tongue finding its way in and my tongue reaching for his.

As our kiss became more intense, our bodies pressed together, his arms at first holding me close were now pressing me to his torso. Without any thought, I turned to straddle his lap – all this twisting sideways was starting to feel an awkward kissing angle. And I wanted him against me, to feel whether he was aroused, crotch to crotch.

He breathed heavily, sighing into my mouth, as his hands slowly trailed down my back, curving out around the shape of my hips, eventually resting his fingers under my denim encased buttocks.  As we got lost in our kiss, our groins unconsciously thrust together and our breathing became heavy.

He released one of his hands to stroke and explore what he could of my breasts through my clothes, checking their shape, their firmness. His hand descended to my crotch, fingers curving under me, leaving me tingly, light-headed, even though he was outside my clothes.

I mirrored this on him, feeling a solid, substantial erection and he sighed heavily, moving to guide my hand to his zip and fly.

“We can, if we’re quiet – go on,” he whispered. So, I deftly unzipped and reached for the firm and ready penis within. First slowly, my hand moved back and forth, exploring every inch and ridge, then faster, as he moaned quietly under his breath. Then, looking over my shoulder to check there was still just the old man at the front of the bus, I slid off his lap and knelt on the floor, bending over my willing prey.

I ran my tongue from base to tip, then from tip to base, carefully licked the head then lowered my mouth on to it, gently sucking, moving up and down and occasionally letting the very edge of my teeth touch it. He gripped the sides of the seat and struggled to keep his moans to a low volume. He writhed and stroked my head, as I set to work whipping him into a ship on high waves.

But I kept on with my mission, up and down, licking around the end and stroking it with my fingers. Then he spasmed, exhaled a “yes” and burst with his climax, grabbing my shoulders and pulling me up into a sated kiss.
Then, we swiftly returned to our senses. I peered through the window, trying to get my bearings. The road looked familiar and I could just about make out the pub near my house.

“Must get off, don’t want to miss my stop,” I called as I leapt up and teetered town the moving bus.
He looked shell-shocked and disorientated, just about spluttering an “ok, bye, then.”

As I prepared to jump off the bus, the driver smirked and said: “You do know we have CCTV on this bus, don’t you?”

It started with a kiss

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Pucker up, folks, close your eyes and move in for that smooch!

Today, we are snogging, necking, ‘pashing’ or just plain kissing. Whether it’s your first ever time or you’ve done it hundreds of times before, your first premeditated kiss with someone is a daunting prospect. I am not talking about a random drunken snog at a nightclub or office party, when you don’t think about what you are doing and all inhibitions evaporated hours ago. This is more about being on a first or second date, when you realise you quite fancy one another, but have not yet found the right moment to make a move. Or you could have a friendship which is about to turn a different corner. Most of us have had someone in our lives with whom we fantasise about locking lips, whether it actually happens or not.

In fact the premeditated kiss is so much harder than the random snog. If it’s someone that matters, you are desperate to get it right, just as much as you would be desperate for things to work out in the bedroom; in fact you are highly likely to get a forecast of bonk-skills from the way their lips work with yours – although I for one can tell you that good kissers don’t always make good bonkers. And bad kissers? I would never let it go any further, so can’t say if this works in reverse.

So, to help anyone else over-thinking a first kiss with someone,  I’ve devised 14 top tips:

  1. Lose the chewing gum – gum-passing is for 14-year-olds, and even some of them will be grossed-out by it.
  2. Don’t eat garlic from at least 48 hours beforehand, unless you have both had it which can enable you to develop garlic repulsion immunity.
  3. Check your breath – go overboard brushing teeth, sucking mints, chewing gum (but see point 1). You have to be fresher than a polar ice cap.
  4. Don’t grab boobs or butt, unless you are 100% certain this will be welcomed.
  5. Don’t ram in your tongue on a first kiss. A small tip of the tongue would be acceptable if you’ve been going at it for more than four minutes.
  6. Move in for the extreme close-up moment as slowly as you can to give the other time to change their mind or avoid the unsynchronised head dodge game i.e. you lunge left, she lunges right, one of you head butts the wall and no one gets a kiss.
  7. Don’t make ‘mmm’ noises – you’re not eating a steak or ice cream and it will kill any ‘buzz’ in a flash.
  8. Try to control your saliva flow (gulping if necessary) – ending a kiss dripping with spit is up there with gum-sharing – something you out-grow at 15 and if she wanted a drink, she’d get one in the usual way.
  9. Don’t bite – at least not for the first kiss – it will just scare off your ‘kissee’.
  10. Don’t wear heavy or over-vibrant lipstick – it is intimidating to your kisser and screams ‘don’t touch me, I don’t want my precious make up ruined’ and most don’t want to wear your lippy themselves (although some may).
  11. If you feel a burp brewing, swallow it back or end the kiss, if it’s beyond your control – having someone belch in one’s mouth is a no-no.
  12. Eyes closed, eyes open? A chicken and egg kind of question. I would say, play it safe and close eyes, but after 30 seconds, you could discreetly peek through one eye to check what he/she is doing.
  13. Slow, soft, gentle, tingly, light-headed – all the things you want to feel, but you can only find out by actually doing it, going with the flow and not over-thinking it (apart from noting the above).
  14. If you are taking this step with someone you want to impress, good luck and remember they will be worrying just as much as you. If you both end up butting heads or missing target, just laugh about it.