Even though I am a self-confessed slapper, there are many things I still haven’t mastered (e.g. see my 7th December 2012 post on anal sex) and perhaps never will.

Hand jobs are another of sex’s great mysteries, not helped by the fact that all men want it done differently. How someone wants their penis rubbed can vary as much as how they take their tea, do their hair or cook their eggs.

This is not to mention the interminable wrist ache one has to suffer, no matter how many times left and right hands are swapped. Maybe a wank wrist-strengthener needs to be invented.

I have had men who want it ‘faster, faster, faster’, others who have asked me to ‘slow down a little please’, occasionally ‘just do the top bit like this’ or ‘keep it down at the bottom, just there.’ How is a girl ever going to get it right?

One man in a very brief relationship had the added problem of an over-tight foreskin (medical term is para-phimosis) so I could barely touch it without him wincing in pain and any sex had to be very slow and careful – subsequently it wasn’t much fun, but that wasn’t the only reason the relationship ended…

My early experiences of jacking people off have usually taken similar routes –
1.Start stroking his inner thighs on the outside of his jeans (I never got posh blokes who wore anything other than denims), working up to his crotch and gradually heading for the fly and the thing itself.
2. Go for the kill – the best wrist action I can muster and try not to show when it starts to ache.
3. He gets impatient and moves my hand up and down, because as usual, I am not going fast/slow/high/low enough.
4. Defeat, which inevitably sees one of two conclusions: a) He nudges me away and ‘finishes’ the wank himself (leaving me wondering whether I should stay or get my coat), b) He brushes my hand away and roughly pushes my head down on his cock (virtually giving me whiplash) – the words ‘suck it, bitch’ may as well be said at this point, as this is how it feels.

I do stress these are early experiences in my teens – when I actually got as far as this on many occasions without having any actual penetrative sex.

Later sex suggests that most men realise that oral sex is the better way for partners to help them get into a lather and we still have the wrist strength to make a cup of tea or open a bottle of wine before, during or after.

They can save the monkey-spanking for those nights in alone, when they have to entertain themselves.

*I once had a boyfriend who was a masseur. He rubbed me up the wrong way.