Eight top tips

So, you have read about my adventures and are now thinking: “I’d like a piece of this. How do I become a Drunken Slut Mum? Show me the way!” Look no further – here are eight top tips:

1. Keep your (lady) garden tidy

In the 1990s it was acceptable to have a big bush – no one ever complained about it. But now things are a little more groomed. It doesn’t have to be a Brazilian, just a tidy, non-cavewoman shape – a little indication that you pay attention to down there.

2. Have a confidante

This is particularly crucial if your situation is secret – there will be times when you need a reliable alibi, someone who you can say you are with when you aren’t and can be relied upon to cover for you if your story is checked out. You may also need her to confide in if things go wrong. Make sure it’s someone who isn’t going to judge you.

3. Underwear

If there is a possibility of some intimacy, whether pre-arranged or spontaneous –  even if you only expect to see him for a brief time, a sneaky quicky could present itself – always wear good underwear. This doesn’t necessarily mean top brand silk and lace. Some pretty bras are a must, but you can get away with less extravagant knickers, as once clothes start flying off, he’s unlikely to pay much attention to them. Own lots of plain black cotton ones – at a glance (which is all they’ll get) they will look passable (ten times more than white or greying ones) and like you have made some effort. And always have a spare pair in your handbag just in case – if you have lots of plain black ones they are interchangeable.

4. Other handbag essentials

Chewing gum or breath freshener sweets, tissues, hair band if you have long hair – just in case you end up in the bath or shower – mini bullet vibrator disguised in a makeup bag or lipstick case.

5. Have some kind of protection for your mattress

…Whether it’s a plastic cover or just an extra blanket. Secretions and wine or coffee spillages happen, especially if you are rolling round and if they go straight through to your mattress, you then have a stinky mattress.

6. Keep your days sacred

If you have a sneaky day off work for a spot of nooky, don’t tell anyone. Ok, so you will have to arrange it with work, but don’t tell anyone outside work who doesn’t really need to know – you are only setting yourself up for awkward lies, intrusions, unwanted texts or phonecalls and the risk of getting caught. Also, have your story ready for work colleagues in case you are asked what you did on your day off – “Oh, just cleaning the house, catching up on ironing, having lunch with my mum” etc. etc.

7. Smooth things over

Learn the art of meticulous planning and organisation while looking effortlessly spontaneous. Your lover doesn’t want to think you spent two weeks planning what you should wear or how you should have your hair when you get together or that you had to try three different babysitters and pencil in three different dates before you could find one to fit in childcare. He would rather not know when he pops over that you just had to spend two hours dusting and vacuuming, tried on three different “I’m just breezily casual” outfits and an hour trying to make your hair look prettily tousled. All he cares about (generally) is that your bits are clean, there’s alcohol in the house and a small child isn’t going to walk into the room when you are banging on the sofa.

8. And finally

Treasure the moments you have with him and treat every liaison as if it might be your last. That way you can be comforted by knowing you gave it your very best. All you can hope is that he is left wanting more and will come back again.