I just won’t do for you

I just won’t do for you
I wish it were not true
And the news came as a shock
A most unwelcome, awful knock
When I thought it was going well
You sounded the final knell.

No proper explanation came
“It didn’t feel right”, the claim
Was it the loose post-baby gut,
Or the rather over-round butt?
Did I loudly slurp my gin?
Or dribble some pizza down my chin?

One thing I know is the fault is mine
For you are so right and fine.
What did I do so very wrong?
When I thought we were going strong?
I had dared to hope, to dream
Of the places we might together team.

I asked “could he be the one?”
When you wanted me gone.
Yes, I will get over this fail.
Another wheel came off the rail.
Maybe I’ll never feel whole,
Find the perfect mate for my soul…

Shaves in toy land

Q: What do scallops, gin, spanking and olives all have in common? (This isn’t some kind of surreal joke, by the way).

A: They are all things that Drunken Slut Mum would not go near with a barge pole when she was 18 but now she enjoys them all.

I thought scallops looked too odd, that gin was a mum’s drink that smelt of bad perfume, spanking was for naughty children (not that I spank mine) and olives were yucky. I have yet to be convinced by Campari.

So when The Man offered to get out a hairbrush, lay me across his knee and spank my bottom, I was a little uneasy, but the sharp, quick impact of the bristles after several strikes felt oddly warming and arousing. Somehow being a naughty girl made me feel giddy and eager to please.

As well as a hairbrush (which, with his shaved hair, is clearly reserved for naughty girls) The Man has a small collection of toys. When he first unveiled this one evening, in his bedroom, I felt a little out of my depth, wondering what I was getting into. Was he going to tie me up and put spikes in me while I pretended to enjoy it, just to keep him happy?

I gulped, seeing from the other side of the bed, parts of the items in the box – something spikey, something big, long and cerise-pink, something knobbly and rubbery – all rather alien things I had seen in magazines and late night TV but nothing I had actually shared a room with. What a sheltered sex life I had led!

He got out a leather and metal thing which I thought may mean I’d end up on all fours wearing a saddle and bridle while he told me to giddy up. But no, ignorant woman – these were nipple clamps. He put them on me – a little squeeze, but no real discomfort, especially when I’ve breastfed two babies and been squashed out of shape by their hard gums. Next he got out a leather studded dog collar which he wanted me to wear. Not a problem either, although I felt like some kind of strange naked punk woman.

His next toy was more interesting – a ‘vibrating cock ring’ – which does exactly what it says on the tin! Arousal and penetration all in one leaving his hands free to explore other areas.

This was my first foray into sex toys. I was also at a later date introduced to Mr Rabbit, Mr Very Scary Looking Dildo and Mr Whip. I know there are handcuffs in his toy box but these have yet to surface and are something I would like to use one day…

Another previously-unknown territory was the shaving of pubic hair. When one day The Man suddenly revealed a pair of freshly plucked testicles, I was stunned into silence. But they felt like soft very high quality Italian leather – the stuff you would pay a fortune for in a handbag! But their baldness also made it easier to involve them in a little light fellatio as they became an extra attraction I was drawn to explore with my lips and tongue as The Man groaned with pleasure.

He was very grateful when I returned the gesture and stripped away all covering of my ‘area’ which I was surprised to discover heightened my responsiveness to all forms of contact and stimulation, as I felt even closer to his body and touch. The downside is the itching of it all growing back which leaves all underwear feeling like sandpaper…

For now I think I will keep my clothes and (pubic) hair on and tuck into some scallops, gin and olives!