Surrender your weapon

“Baby, it’s cold outside,” sings Tom Jones in his throaty, soulful tones to a rather breathless Cerys Matthews as they flirt and tease through the classic song.

And it certainly is a touch chilly, but I am not here to discuss the weather – that would only disappoint you.

But Tom Jones does lead me to my point – or maybe his point – as rumour has it that he has been generously ‘blessed’ in the trouser department. Internet gossip pages cover an encounter he had with American TV presenter and ‘Mistress of the Dark’ Elvira, very early in her career when she was a dancer. She alleged he was so ‘big’ that she had to go to hospital for stitches.

Other rumoured big dongers include Errol Flynn (11 inches!), Jimi Hendrix, Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig. But of course only certain people would know the truth and does this roll of honour really mean that such men are skilled shaggers?

DSM’s view is that to be a talented artist you don’t need a full set of pencils and oil paints – if you have the ability, it doesn’t really matter what tools you possess.

But there is a bare minimum. I recall in my 20s, in my first proper job, having a flirtation with a married guy from work. We met for secret drinks and sneaky kisses over a period of months. The anticipation of going further had reached unimaginable levels. When he finally did visit my flat I was practically ripping his trousers off in eagerness. Then…’oh, is that it?’ I almost said out loud.

It must have been about four or five centimetres, fully erect. We tried a couple of times, but it just wasn’t going to happen. Luckily, I could blame it on having a few ciders. But we never tried again.

On the other hand, having a lot to play with does not always mean success. I have been in a long-term relationship with someone with a good length. Unfortunately, he was quite a selfish performer and was always in a hurry just to ram it in and do very little first, which would often leave me sore and rather empty.

Mr Athlete, though, brings back fond memories of how a man should use a large loaded rifle. As a runner with a six-pack, he remains to date the most toned man I have ever been involved with, leaving me feeling rather dumpy and inadequate next to him. He also had the largest cock I have ever encountered – a good 8 inches and somewhat intimidating on first sight. But he knew exactly how to prepare his prey so that they would happily and comfortably succumb to the rifle. His fitness and flexibility also meant he was prepared to try many different angles of attack. Just a pity that he had the personality of a brick.

Mr Athlete’s rifle had a largish girth to match. But I have also learned not to underestimate the long and thin variety – something supplied by my Millennium Man (see earlier post dated 30 December 2012). This shape can often reach and touch areas not so accessible to the big and broad.

The above are exceptions. Most of my ‘conquests’ have been of average size and shape and I have enjoyed lip-smackingly delicious sex with a good few of them. Totally average, abysmal and forgettable sex with others too. Some have even whacked me in the face, sprayed stuff into my mouth, over my boobs or on to my derriere.