Things that make you go ‘Ew!’

Things that make one shudder with horror and wretch in disgust should probably be the subject of a Halloween post, but hey-ho – I’ve never been one for meticulous organisation and timing.

I am a reasonably tolerant person and try to see past little imperfections in my ‘gentlemen callers’. After all, I am not perfect, either, and have many flaws – most of which I have listed here on various occasions. If you love or lust someone, you love/lust the whole package, knobbly knees, odd ears, lazy eye and all.

But there have been occasions when my strong stomach and forgiving eye have been tested to the extreme. Here are my top ten ‘bleurgh’ moments (not in any order of merit/yuckiness):

1. Pickled eggs and flatulence – My cherry-taker had a penchant, after a few beers, for pickled eggs. While most guys, even in the 90s, went for the pitta-wrapped slices of grey meat cylinder, squirted with chilli sauce (calling itself a kebab), he opted for a bag of chips and pickled egg. I remember the jar on the chippy counter, looking like a selection of over-sized eyeballs, then the eye-watering round of bottom-guffs the next morning. It was enough to make me jump out of bed as quickly as possible.

2. Nipple squeeze man – The guy who cried out for his nipples to be squeezed as he approached orgasm. This was a strange development, as I was seeing this guy for a while, but decided that I was never going to fall in love with him and ended it. But we ended up in bed together a couple of times after the break-up, when suddenly the sex got more fun. The nipple squeeze thing became a slightly irritating, rather than repulsive demand, every single time.

3. Moobs – I am by no means a slender willow and would not expect anyone with a male model/athlete’s physique to even look at me (although it did happen once). Round tummies are acceptable to an extent, but not when accompanied by 40DD puppies. They wobble, flap and are emasculating. If I wanted to bed someone with tits, I would try to pick up a woman. I went to bed with one man with moobs. He stumbled all over my flat and knocked furniture over. Maybe he was top-heavy.

4. Fag/coffee breath – I have smoked in the past, so cannot complain about this without a degree of hypocrisy. But guys, chew some minty gum or swill your mouth out with whisky. I used to always carry mints when I fell prey to the demon tobacco. I had a brief intermingling with a guy I used to work with who was a non-smoker, but absolutely stunk of stale coffee. It was only his cute boyish face that sealed the deal. But there was no chance of a long-term relationship with that stench every time he opened his mouth. I kept kissing to a minimum too.

5. Hairy backs – I have been with two or three guys with a little back hair, never a full fur coat. But even a few hairs are a no-no. I usually cope by never facing their backs in bed. I know this is unduly harsh, seeing as no one chooses to have back hair, but it just sets my teeth on edge. I’m easy with chest hair – smooth or fluffy, I don’t care. Just wax your backs, chaps.

6. Broken veins – A couple of my charges have been bordering on alcoholic, but the worst one, a clever, witty, talented guy I went out with at university suffered shakes in the morning and had patches of broken veins at the tops of his arms which are a symptom of heavy drinking. These were rather disturbing on a 20-year-old man.

7. Snotty nose/bogies – My ex-husband on our first date, for most of the date, had a pale green ball of snot up one nostril. Because I didn’t know him very well at the time I didn’t feel I could point it out. I kept hoping he would check his reflection in the gents’ but it only went after a couple of hours (probably when he sneezed).

8. Slobbery kissing – If I am thirsty I will get a drink. I don’t need someone else’s saliva being propelled into my mouth. My first proper boyfriend (discounting the total git who tried to take advantage of me when I was 15) was the first reasonable-looking guy to take an interest in me. He had jet black curly hair and light blue eyes. But he also had yellow teeth and a slobbery kiss. Every time we locked lips, I could feel his spit dribbling towards my chin. Luckily by then I had good wretch-control skills.

9. Long finger nails – Why, oh why does a man need long finger nails, unless he is appearing in a vampire movie? Do you think any sane woman wants a clawed finger going anywhere near her lady-bits? It makes me tense up in my pants even thinking about it. A relatively recent chap had dreadful, dirty and long nails, just through being overly laid back about personal grooming. I told him I would be shutting shop if he didn’t give them the chop.

10. Body odour – It may be an old chestnut, but it is still one of the biggest turn-offs. Teenage boys may douse themselves in deodorant and cheap aftershave, but they are as overly conscious of stinking as they are of breaking out in zits. As the male species gets older, he sometimes ‘forgets’ about this and gets a bit lax in his personal hygiene habits. I lived with someone for two years who fell into this category. I somehow ended up regularly hand washing his shirts (I was so stupidly smitten) and no matter how hard I scrubbed the armpits the smell of BO would never go. With hindsight I should have burnt his stupid shirts and moved out much sooner than I eventually did.

These are all fairly obvious quease-inducing irritants, but any other suggestions are welcome. Perhaps I can be more positive in a future post and consider the fragrant, beautiful, heart-fluttery, desirable things the men folk have to offer.

Teat total

They are the focus of nibbling, twiddling, squeezing and clamping. They also act has barometers, provide food and can be very sexy. Aren’t nipples amazing?

The majority of men focus their attention on them after you have passed ‘second base’ in your affections and will at first tentatively slide their hands up your top or down your dress. This is followed by gentle stroking, frantic groping or misguided twisting, seemingly in an attempt to tune into BBC World Service. In The Man’s universe it’s a case of forcefully tugging down any clothing in the way, and diving straight in for a combination of nuzzling and nibbling which swiftly has a tingling impact on my lower regions.

So then the nipple changes from a pale pink velvety rose bud to a hard pointy button, surrounded by darker pink raisin-like skin, as it does when the temperature drops, making it a barometer for ‘ooh yes – please carry on’ and ‘ooh, it’s a bit nippy’.

I generally enjoy the things my nipples can do, but this relationship came under strain after the births of each of my children. I could handle them turning a darker brown colour during and after pregnancy and my boobs expanding, but when they went from being a portable sex toy to human udders, all the fun evaporated.

While the areola retained its browner hue for a while longer, the nipples became a deep pink nucleus of soreness, chapped skin, pointing upwards or forming an odd square shape when hard-gummed sucking time was due. And babies are not gentle little things that just give a tickling sensation as they drink from mother nature’s taps; they suck with the super-human strength of a vacuum cleaner, sometimes causing shooting, stinging pain.

I am not wading into the big debate on breastfeeding and the benefits or otherwise – I am not looking to write for a mums’ mag or website. But the experience, whether good or bad, made me see my nipples/boobs/the whole lot feel rather ugly and certainly not sexy. Particularly when baby sucked so hard that, on removing his/her mouth, milk sprayed out of my boob, hitting the wall on the other side of the room.

So it took a reunion and life drawing session with The Man (see my Oct 27, 2012 post) for me to learn to love my nipples again.

And what of men’s nipples? There is no obvious reason why men even have them. But some men’s nips seem to be just as sensitive as women’s. I recall one bedfellow who asked me to squeeze his nipples as hard as I could when we were in the throes of intercourse. So much so was this obsession that he would call out ‘nipples, nipples’ when we reached crucial moments.

Biologically, female nipples are more sensitive and are apparently connected to the ‘genital area’ of the brain, which explains why proper usage can lead us to feel tingly sensations and sometimes even orgasms.