Not on the same page?

So you’re having fun in a no-strings, explosive sex type of situation and everything is tickety-boo. Or is it?

Well, it was for the first few months – it was great getting those naughty texts and smiling to yourself at the saucy secrets you both shared. But there has gradually been a shift, a cloak of sadness has been thrown over proceedings; you feel lonely and empty when you aren’t in his company, you have to restrain yourself from texting or emailing him.

Of course, nothing has changed for him – he’s carrying on in his own merry way, chatting to you about nothing deeper than the latest film he’s watched or new apps on his phone.

It’s like you’ve both walked through different doors and are now separated by an invisible wall. To him you are just a hole to stick it in but to you, this has grown into something rather more – the feeling that dare not speak its name in this cynical, ‘we’re all bright and breezy, but never deep’ predicament.

So here’s DSM’s guide on how to tell if you’re just a fanny hole and a pair of boobs while he has unwittingly, but ever so sneakily become the centre of your universe.

1. Him: He never asks how you are, ever, even if you have your leg in pot, puffy red eyes or have broken out in hives.

You: You ask after his wellbeing every time you see him. You buy him cold remedies even if he just has a sniffle.

2. Him: You get together for an evening which will end in sex. But before you can even have a drink or discuss the state of the economy, he starts pulling your top down to get to your boobs and putting his hand inside your pants.

You: Spent an hour getting ready, styling your hair, perfecting your make up and hoped you could talk and sip some wine first so you can at least build up to the passion.

3. Him: He would never dream of any public displays of affection and would probably attempt to halve his body size just to avoid touching as you brush past him. If you ever happen to walk down the road together he is at least two feet away from you all the time.

You: While you don’t want an all tongues and buttock-groping snog in full view of the world and his wife, you would quite like a little absent-minded touch, perhaps a hand on the waist or a squeeze of the arm…

Him: After sex, he farts, rolls over and you seem to become invisible.

You: Exhilarated, sated, blissed out, you just want to be held close and listen to his heartbeat.

5. Him: It’s the first time you have seen each other since your night of passion. He says ‘hello’ but seems to be in a hurry so can’t stop to talk.

You: You want him to come over, hug and kiss you and ask how you are and when you are next getting together.

6. Him: He knows nothing about you, wouldn’t have a clue about what music you like or your favourite book.

You: You know what all his interests are, from his love of comic books to the name of his childhood pets and have made a mental note of the fact that he can’t stand capers (just in case it crops up in the future).

7. Him: He never makes any arrangement to do something with you any further ahead than a couple of weeks, claiming he’s just too busy to think that far ahead.

You: End up dropping everything if there’s an opportunity to see him and yearn for him to suggest a weekend away together, just so you get that extra time with him.

Dear, oh dear. This is the road to pain and heartache when it was supposed to be slap and tickle. There are only two options:

a) Be cruel to be kind (to yourself) and stop it now. Very painful, but saves even more pain in the long-run and frees you to either have a no-strings thing elsewhere or meet someone who can fill that emotional void.

b) Carry on as you are, feel the pain, but convince yourself that at least you get to be with him, even if he’s only there in body, not spirit.

Making out

Sometimes it’s not the chandelier-swinging, gymnastic-style, heart-pumping sex that one needs.

Don’t get me wrong – being thrown against the wall and screwed within an inch of one’s life, has its time and place, as I have said here many times.

But there are occasions, particularly when one or both of you are tired, a bit under the weather, or just don’t want to menstruate all over the bed (which is sometimes acceptable) and need simple, warm affection.

People in solid long-term relationships take it for granted, but those of us who aren’t place high value on being held, cuddled, hugged. If these things don’t come or aren’t accessible every day, it adds an extra chill to the already cooling winter air.

When it is my turn in The Man’s ‘rota’ I don’t just want to rip his clothes off and have him throw me on the bed. I want to be kissed, cuddled, held and feel his natural warmth against me.

There are times when I am happy just ‘making out’ on the sofa, holding and being held by a solid, strong man, listening to his heart beating as I lay my head on his chest and feeling his breath on me.

Of course post-coital cuddles are a very welcome addition to the whole shagging experience too. They find you both in a state of flushed, sated, inner calm and because you have just been as intimate as two people can be, you feel even closer. It’s also better than someone jumping out of bed, into their trousers and heading for the door quicker than you can say “cup of tea?”

But the non-sexual act of someone just laying their head in my lap, as I stroke their hair and give them the occasional tiny mini kiss on their forehead, can at times be just as satisfying.

I am saying at times! I am not losing my Drunken Slut Mum status, just celebrating physical affection – something many people take for granted when they are with someone every day, probably in the same room as that person every evening, yet they choose to sit at opposite ends of the room and barely share a kiss on the cheek. It’s not about smothering someone or crowding their personal space when they are in the middle of something. It’s about showing you appreciate them and still fancy them, even if you have been together a very long time.

I maybe a self-confessed slut, but like everyone else, I still like a cuddle now and then (or maybe a bit more)!