Alas, the phallus (again)

“Stop waving your dick around – we’ve all seen it now so you can put it away!” I had got particularly annoyed by an arrogant and patronising email sent by a male contact and a female work colleague was suggesting how I could respond – in an ideal world.

It did get me thinking that we would never say to a woman “stop waving your vagina around” if she had caused a similar reaction. In fact, we rarely use female body parts metaphorically – apart from the occasional ‘twat’ or ‘fanny’.

Yet, male bits crop up all the time. We frequently express anger or annoyance with: dick, dickhead, knob, knob head, bell end…etc. If we see a man driving like he owns the road in a flashy sports car, we may refer to his vehicle as a ‘penis enlargement’ or at the opposite end of the spectrum we may say of someone with an over-inflated ego that he ‘probably has a small penis’.

Freud also introduced the world of psychology to ‘penis envy’ and talked about phallic symbols in our dreams. In fact, phalluses are all over the place of you look at classic and modern architecture – The Gherkin in London,  the Torre Agbar in Barcelona, the Empire State Building, the Ypsilanti Water Tower in Michigan (nicknamed ‘brick dick’) and The International Finance Centre in Hong Kong to name a few.

Phalluses seem to have a place in ancient culture with the Cerne Abbas Giant in Dorset – a large man with a sizeable erect penis cut into a hillside – no one knows how long he’s been there, whether he dates back to the Iron Age or 17th Century. Ancient Greeks and Romans used penises everywhere in festivals celebrating fertility. Priapus was the Greek and Roman fertility God. He is portrayed in statues as extremely (maybe too) well-endowed.

This may be why I have vivid memories of novelty penis ‘gifts’ on sale in souvenir shops in Corfu, when I was taken there as a child. There was anything from penis key rings to rubber apples and oranges out of which popped a rubber penis when they were squeezed. My parents were horrified as my brother and I giggled and squished numerous pieces of ‘fruit’, before they dragged us out of the shop.

Of course the whole novelty penis gift thing has really taken off everywhere over the years and penis lollipops, chocolate penises and clockwork penises are a mainstay of many lingerie/sex store chains.

But what about lady bits? Boobs pop up in buildings (take the Millennium Dome), cakes and confectionary, but there are no vaginas. Maybe this is because the phallus is a better shape to play with (in all senses of the word). And it is hard to construct a vagina-shaped recess, unless you attach meaning to tunnels and caves.

I am not complaining about this apparent under- representation of female genitalia, as I for one am quite happy to look at dicks, penises, willies and knobs. But it does seem that when my work mate suggested the irritating email author stopped “waving his dick around”, we had already lost the war. Dicks have been waved around for thousands of years. And they will continue to be waved around until the end of time.

Any other business

The day got off to its usual slow, frustrating start – the 20-month-old dawdled over his toast, throwing it on the floor when he decided he’d had enough. The seven-year-old had also let breakfast drag out, gazing at a magazine and occasionally shovelling chocolate cereal into her mouth.

After running up and downstairs several times to get school and work things, we piled into the car and got to the end of the road before having to reverse up it again to dash in for a crucial comfort blanket.

But at last, we were away. I dropped the children off with the child minder and set off for work. Seemingly.

Except today I had an important meeting with The Man instead.

It was a grey, wet November morning, and the rain pelted down. I dashed out of the car and ran to his back door, which had been left unlocked in anticipation.

He got up, kissed me softly, and before I had chance to even remove my coat, he took my hand and led me upstairs. We didn’t even say ‘hello’ as he pulled his trousers down to reveal a solid, shiny erect penis. At this point I was sitting on the bed, just at the right height to lean towards it and guide it into my mouth.

I firmly grasped his upper thighs and stroked them as I licked, sucked and fondled the perfect phallus before me, carefully circling the helmet with the tip of my tongue, occasionally letting my teeth gently touch it.

Then he slowly moved onto the bed and turned himself around as I wriggled out of my trousers and pants so that I was lying under his penis and my over-excited vagina was almost leaping for joy to make contact with his tongue. ‘Yes please, now, now,’ it was almost saying!

And it was not disappointed as he flicked it on, around, up and down my clitoris. Tingling waves travelled up my body as I struggled to keep things going at my end and my breathing became deeper, heavier.

He knew I was becoming impatient to have him inside me, but carried on sending me to the edge of jittery madness before moving on top of me and touching the edge of my black hole with the end of his penis. The Man enjoyed this hovering, teasing, driving me to distraction until I virtually had to use all my strength to push him down inside me. I would then feel instant gratification, like an alcoholic desperate for her first drink – there, there it is at last!

As he fucked me, he licked his middle finger and gently twiddled my clitoris making me shake with him inside me and increasing my appetite for him to carry on even longer.

We rolled over and I climbed on top of him, taking control, leaning back to feel him deeper inside me, then leaning forward, brushing his face with my tits.

He then flipped me over and fucked me deep and hard from behind. In fact so hard that I couldn’t move but gasped at the wonderful force inside me.

As he neared a climax he pulled out and exploded all over my breasts and stomach and I smeared it over myself like it was a luxurious body lotion. We both collapsed on the bed in each other’s arms, listening to the rain tapping against the window.

So far it had been a pretty good day at work. This was the best meeting I’d had for a while. I just wondered what would come up for Any Other Business…